Jigsaw Earth

Archive for March 25th, 2009

I’m Selling Out and Getting My Life Sponsored

by Gaia on Mar.25, 2009, under Random

I’m selling out.

Screw 9-5 jobs taking up my free time, leaving me tired with medial pay and nothing to go out with. I am Mr. Gregarious – some even refer to me as a social light. People look to me for trend setting styles – how am I supposed to lead the nation when I’m stuck behind a desk all day?

Well that’s it. I’ve given up. I’m selling out. No more 9-5 jobs for me; I’m going to be out on the town all day and all night.

But I’ll have some limitations if you want to join me.

I can only wear clothes from Saks 5th ave. If you want to be seen with me, you have to do the same. It may seem like a superficial idea, but let’s face the facts: 80% of feeling good is looking good, so I’ll leave that to Saks and focus on the other 20%. Talk about saving energy!

Don’t own any Saks getup? I’ll have Red Cab pick you up for a non-stop shuttle to the gods of fashion themselves. After All if I use Red Cab, I’m guaranteed to get there*.

Thirsty? I only drink Coca-Cola products. Everyone knows Pepsi is garbage. I mean, they call it a “jack and coke” for a reason… right? It’s one of the few beverages that can exclusively be enjoyed.

But if it’s beer – well only the silver bullet satisfies my urges – and it better satisfy yours if you’re coming with me. After All, I only drink lagers frost brewed with a locked in rocky mountain taste – one of the best true american flavors we’ve created. I’d sprinkle rocky mountain taste on everything if I could.

If you’re picking me up, it has to be a Honda.

Yea, I would have preffered an american manufacturer, but Honda convinced me; something about meeting the friendliest people ever in them. I’m really friendly, so it was a match made in heaven. Plus, they make superior cars (as I’m told) so I wouldn’t dare pull up to a valet without handing over Honda keys.

Need to grab some convinience or pharmacy products?

I wouldn’t go anywhere except CVS. Walgreens is great. So is Duane Reade and Rite Aid. But CVS has exactly what I’m looking for that others don’t: CVS products. Why would I want to go premium-brand when I can go CVS-brand? The world may never know.

Want to visit? Well I’ll be picking you up in my Honda at the Delta terminal. Look for the guy draped in Saks 5th ave brand enjoying a refreshing Coca-Cola.

Yea, we’ve all heard the “Don’t Expect Luggage To Arrive” acronym, but Delta gets me everywhere I need to for less – so they’ll do the same for you. What, you saw a cheaper fare on another airline? Please, I travel a lot, you should probably listen to me.

Once I get there it’ll have to be a Starwood hotel though. They’re the best.

I’ll be sure to let you all know when contracts are signed…

*eventually.

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